About the version of you you’re missing so much it hurts

You’re closer to them than you think

Missing a version of yourself sucks. Big time. And it happens to all of us.

Recently I have been missing the Shirley of around 10 years ago, who was less of a worrier and more carefree than I’ve ever been (before and after). The pain of missing her had gotten so intensely present, I could physically feel the gap in my chest where her joyful spirit once was.

In a moment, while I was wondering why the pain of her absence had grown to be such a sharp, piercing presence, the thought came up that this might just mean I’m actually closer to her than I’ve been in a long time.
It felt comforting, so I let this idea rest in my heart throughout the day.

Soon I realized it was more than just a nice balm to my aching being - it was true.

I had been seeing and feeling more glimpses of her in my reactions, my laugh, my wants and needs. Just glimpses, but yes, I had definitely been subconsciously reminded of her existence, and that’s why I’m so much more aware of her absence now. Which, if you think about it, is pretty logical.

Now here comes the best analogy I could come up with. 🙈 Let me know if you have a better one!

The analogy of a lifetime

I’m a cat mom, as much as you can be without actually cohabitating with one (because my lovely boyfriend is very, very allergic to them). I’ve been an actual cat mom for two years and since then there is probably an ever-present undertone of missing cat cuddles and purring in my life.

Most of the time, though, I don’t think or feel any type of way about it – it’s just not there.

Until I catsit for my neighbors. Then, the pain becomes palpable. And after a while it also disappears again, into the void of things that just won’t be, until next time.

So, the missing becomes more prominent when I’ve been in contact with the thing I’m missing.

(Somehow this also makes me think of how when you need to pee very badly, the closer you get to a toilet, the more your body starts to ‘‘miss’’ this toilet, but I guess this analogy is even worse than the first one.)

So, she’s still here

Back to this version of me. She’s still here. That’s what this ache is telling me. She’s trying to get out from under the heavy blankets of should and ought-to and other judgements and rules that have been stacking up over time, that made it seem as if it was her light that had dimmed.

She had been so far away, missing her in this intense, breathtaking way simply wasn’t possible. And fortunately so, because not seeing even a sliver of her light anymore - if it hadn’t made me forget about her, it might have broken me.

But now she’s here, banging on the doors of my core, ready to come out and join the party again.

Just knowing I’m trying to get back to her (or she’s trying to get back to me?) helps me to feel closer to her.

Tell me, is there a version of you you’re missing right now? What’s the biggest thing about them you can’t wait to reconnect with?

PS. Since this realization, I’ve seen even more glimpses of the sunny and breezy Shirley of 10 years ago.

I know, maybe it’s a case of ‘‘I’m going to buy a red car and now I see red cars everywhere’’. But even if it is, so what? The only thing that matters is that I’m feeling a whole lot closer to my favorite self than I have in years. And that’s pretty great.

PPS. Still would like some practical tips on how to reconnect with your (favorite) self? I’ve got you covered!