I stopped tending to my emotional scars. This is what happened.

#donotrecommend

September last year I received a text message on my 30^th birthday from my narcissistic parent who hasn’t been in my life for years. I really don't want to admit it, but it ruined my day. Not even the text message itself, but the fact that she still had so much power over me and the way I feel, hurt. Like hell.
 
Also, it was just what I needed to decide to finally fully close the door which, in some way, I had left slightly cracked open throughout all these years. I could even literally see it in my mind’s eye. Her on the other side of that door and me closing it. 
 
The thing is, there was something else behind that door too. That took me 9 months to realize. My scars. 
 
I so desperately wanted to block out every part of her influence on me and my life, that I put my traumatized mind, body and nervous system on the other side of that door, too. 🤦🏻‍♀️
Which meant that I started to pretend it wasn’t there. And, of course, pretty soon feelings of unsafety started creeping up again.

The moment I realized what was going on, why there was this extra bit of anxiousness on top of my usual amount of anxiety, I immediately saw the parallels with my chronic pain.
 
Throughout all the surgeries and pain treatments I was convinced that one day it would all be fixed, so I kept living my life as if my back wasn’t broken beyond repair – which caused the pain to get so bad that it left me unable to have anything even resembling a life.
 
Then, when I finally realized this wasn’t going to get better, like ever, I started living my life as if my back actually was the mess that it was, and I started tending to its needs. And before I knew it, I had a life, I felt like I belonged, and I was in less pain than ever before.

It already is - now what?

By tending to what already was - not even fully, actively ‘‘accepting’’ it, but just being honest with myself about the fact that it’s here and it’s not going anywhere - I literally changed my life and reduced my suffering by, well, A LOT.

Without my circumstances ever changing.

And I found this parallel somewhere else too – in my sensitivity. For years I could not only not accept that I’m just a sensitive gal, but being afraid of the impact it would have on my relationships, I was actively ignoring my sensitivity, hiding it, denying it, as if I could somehow undo my genetic make-up. 😅

Until one day, not because I was just really wise and had it all figured out, but because I was desperate and this was the one thing I hadn’t tried yet, I wrote down:

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I AM sensitive, I just am, this is my reality.

What if I take away the possibility in my mind that this could ever change, just like my physical pain, just like my trauma, what then?

What can I do, knowing these are the cards I’m dealt?

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With that attitude things changed.

I allowed my heart to open again, started to take my needs more seriously, feel my feelings, sometimes even share them, and, you guessed it, it affected my relationships less and less.
 
Trying to make my sensitivity unexist, created some kind of invisible full body armor that made it harder to connect with me, which actually DID have a negative impact on my relationships.
 
👉🏻 It wasn’t so much the sensitivity itself, it was how I was (not!) dealing with it that caused the most suffering.
When you don’t tend to the things that need tending to, a kind of disconnection occurs – from your body, your feelings, your needs, the people around you. You start to feel lonely and like you don’t belong.
You suffer more. Not less.

How the practice of self-compassion can help

We just have to help ourselves remember what it is we cannot change, and move the spotlight of our attention to what we CAN control (hint: it’s your behavior, your response - no matter what's going on inside your mind, body or heart, you are always free to choose how you want to deal with and care for it).
 
This is the practice of self-compassion. It’s not loving on and downright accepting the living daylights out of every shitty thing in your life.
It’s being honest and real about what is, looking for ways to tend to what is, and trying to let go of how you think you and/or your life should be, so that you can focus on be(com)ing your favorite self and living a life you actually like.

• My sensitivity will always require some extra (alone-)time and gentleness.

• My C-PTSD and chronic pain will always require daily care, strict boundaries and a lot of room for grief.

And that’s okay.

If and when I give these ‘‘challenges’’ (🤢 sorry, this word makes me puke, too) the care they need, over and over again, each time they turn out to not affect me, my life or my relationships that much at all.
I can tend to what needs tending to, and with that, liberate myself from a pretty big chunk of the suffering it was causing me.

So here’s your reminder for today, dear human:

You have more power and more control than you think.
You just need to be honest about what’s here and what it needs, so you can open yourself up to all the ways in which you very much DO belong, WITH all your scars and quirks.
👉🏻 It all starts with a gentle and loving ‘‘It already is - what now?’’.