The danger of always trying your hardest

Let's stop this spiral before we lose ourselves completely.

Trying your hardest all the time creates an environment in which you believe you have to keep trying your hardest - and preferably (somehow) try your hardest even harder - to stay safe and be okay.

I’ve written about this before, but I want to dive a little deeper today. Because when going unnoticed this spiral can change your life and who you are in it - without you even being aware of it.

Getting more and more stuck in my ways

As I’ve talked about in this previous post, a while back I found myself checking every article – and even the simplest of emails – I wrote, about seven times before hitting publish/send. The year before that, it had only been four times. It was getting worse, and I had no idea why. I did know I definitely did not like where this was going.

Over time, I only got more and more stressed. It was in this moment, some guidance from a previous mentor of mine came back to me. She had told me to deliberately miss my train and arrive late to an appointment – which sounded absolutely certifiably insane to me at the time. It’s exactly things like this I’m constantly trying to avoid, ma’am.

So, of course, I never did.

And although by now I had managed to, most of the time, check the things I wrote about two, maybe three times, I realized I had not only gotten more stressed throughout the years, but also more anxious - a lot more anxious. I was worrying about stuff I didn’t even think about before. But why!?

Seeing the spiral clearly for the first time

Looking for this big, bad WHY, and not finding it, led me to the next realization: Maybe it was being this ‘‘good girl’’ all the time - making sure I never broke any rules or disappointed anyone - what was sustaining the belief that I had to be this way.

As my mentor had already tried to explain to me - a few years before I was ready to hear it (😬) - maybe trying to do things perfectly, never pissing anybody off, following every single written or unwritten rule, and indeed, no one getting mad at me, kept reaffirming that I needed to do and be all this in order to stay safe and be okay. Because I did it, and I was safe.

Being a good girl just made me want to (try to) be an even better good girl.

Okay, great, good to know. But clearly this was something I needed to learn a few more times to actually be able to do something about it. 😰

Same monster, new face

Not long ago I started a new job and, of course, in the first few weeks I did my absolute freaking best. I gave my all to the simplest of tasks. And the compliments kept on coming my way. Only, they started to feel suffocating instead of flattering, because they also meant people’s expectations of me were rising and, at some point, I probably wouldn’t be able to meet them anymore.

Trying my hardest, and getting all this affirmation, just made me want to try even harder. Doing my very best had kept me safe (and seen and appreciated), so I just had to do some more of that … forever. This was a really scary realization and I could already feel the ever-growing exhaustion it would bring about.

Finally, the aha moment

Luckily, then I went on vacation and this aha moment occurred, when I realized this was all the same thing and the only thing I could do was less. Take a small risk here and there. Put in a little less effort at work. And just see what happens.

Of course, we both know what happened – nothing - but you really need to see it for yourself to be able to start believing it.

• The compliments kept on coming, but now I actually felt proud (and relieved), because the amount of effort I had put in was still manageable.

• Every time nothing happened and nobody told me off when I checked my emails or articles less than I had gotten used to, my shoulders lowered a bit.

• And the few times I have managed to be somewhat late or I took a (very) small risk of some other kind, and nothing happened, I actually started to breathe a little deeper again.

I’m still not broke or in jail or hated by everyone I’ve ever loved or whatever else my mind had made up could happen if I ever let go of the reins even just a little bit.

Fuck you, perfectionism, and fuck it

Perfectionism is a scary beast. It hides and changes faces, and takes little bites out of your life and your personal freedom.

So, here’s to taking very, very small steps – so you’re still able to breathe and sleep and not have a complete mental breakdown – toward a less perfectionistic existence. To walking away from this good girl/boy/kid narrative. To showing yourself it’s safe to not always only do the right thing, as well as possible, with everything you’ve got. That you can actually do a little less, worry a little less, be a little more human, breathe a little more, and everything will still be fine.

Start small, but start. It’s scary as fuck, but the reward is so, so worth it. Because the reward is growing your (self-)trust and freeing up so much mental space that you can actually live and enjoy your life (a whole lot more). And that’s worth a few shit stains in your favorite undies, if you ask me.

PS. ICYMI, here are some perspective shifts and (thought) exercises for when your inner critic is throwing a party.